How to Create Your Own Miniature Portable Sandstorm

Step 1: Have a Toyota Landcruiser with a bikini top. (Actually, any vehicle that can have a bikini top or even a convertible can fit this bill. I won't be a car-ist on this. Everybody needs to enjoy the sensation!)

Step 2: Have a solid month where you can't drive said car because the weather decided to go back to being winter and all cold and shit. Make sure to leave the bikini top on and do not convert your car back into "solid" mode because dammit it's just going to get warm again and you'll have to put it back on again. Also make sure that there is plenty of wind (100+ mph preferred) and that you are parked in such a way that ALL the sand in the desert blows through the vehicle. It must be very free-form, with little to no blockage of said sand, hence the importance of the whole "not converting it back to normal" part.

Step 3: Decide on a now-lovely desert morning that you want to actually drive aforementioned vehicle because it's going to be a delightful day and you really want to have some fun. Finally.

Step 4: Get into vehicle after brushing off the seatcover. Think to yourself, "Hmmm. That was a lot of dust."

Step 5: Drive slowly out the driveway and out the dirt road to the paved road. Again, think to yourself, this time saying, "Hmmmm. There's a lot more sand in this seat than I thought" as you slide back and forth on it while jouncing down the dirt road.

Step 6: Get up to speed (55 mph at minimum, with 65-75 mph preferred) on paved road. Realize that the wind that normally playfully swirls about the "inside" of the vehicle due to the aerodynamics (or lack thereof) that occur with the bikini top on is now swirling around you with the stings of billions of little pieces of sand that is being sucked up off the floor, out of the seat covers, etc. Shriek at your children to shut their eyes and to cover their mouths as you attempt to squint, drive and spit out sand at the same time. Have visions of the Sahara and wonder what it's like to be a camel in the middle of a deadly sandstorm and wonder if you will make it out of this alive or if you'll crash into something because you have been blinded.

Step 7: Drive at least 10 miles at top speed to get out all the dust. Arrive at your destination wishing you had camel-like eyelashes because damnitall, your eyeballs are now full of dirt and really, really hurt. Alot. Have children giggle maniacally about your reaction to said adventure, losing all sense of dignity in the process.

The End.

Enjoy driving with your top down! The weather is lovely outside!